The Color of Sacrifice

The message at Jubilee! on March 13 was all about the color of sacrifice.  It has made me take a close look at sacrifices I have made, sacrifices others have made for me and what I may do in the future in this regard.  Pondering this tends to put me in a somber mood, which may well be the nature of giving something up.  But there was also a lighter moment or two as I wound my way through this color of the wind of spirit and how it touches me.

From Howard's message: "In deciding what to give up, we know what is important to live for."
"The path without obstacles seldom leads anywhere worthwhile."
"It ain't the act, it's the intent.  It ain't the deed, it's the purpose."
"What are you living for?  What are you willing to sacrifice for?"

When he spoke of Ashe Wednesday and the anointing of the forehead with ashes to remind us of our mortality, I was reminded of a hilarious incident involving LaVerne at mass one time.  She was sitting near the front (I wasn't there) and was recruited to stand and help the priest put the ashes on people's foreheads and say whatever was supposed to be said.  She was too surprised to decline his request, even though she couldn't remember what she was supposed to say!  So she put the ashes on them and said whatever came to mind and seemed appropriate for that person.  She said a few folks looked very surprised, but most were just fine with her words of blessing.  When she told me about this, we laughed until we cried!  It was one of the funniest stories she ever told.  Then we cried about her own mortality, and mine. 

Near the end of the service, Howard sang a very quirky song with strange lyrics and even stranger melody:
"And I would walk 500 miles,
And I would walk 500 more,
Just to be the man who walks a 1000 miles
To fall down at your door."

Made for Me
Many people have sacrificed much for me to be who I am, none more than my mom, Emily Racey.  She was really my great aunt and in her mid-40's when she adopted me, I say "she" because my stepfather, Fred, was an alcoholic and talked a good line but often couldn't live up to it.  His mouth usually overloaded his ass on the major stuff.  So they divorced when I was 7 or 8 years old and mom raised me by herself from then on.  Money was more than a little tight, yet she always found birthday and Christmas gifts for me, nice clothes and shoes (not many of either) and healthy food.  To this day I don't know how she managed to do so much with so little.  Yet she was always optimistic, cheerful and had a smile for everyone.  She was like a mom to all my friends and some of my cousins, too.  She was the finest person I've ever known and she was self less when it came to sacrificing for others.

My wives, especially Diane and Zoe, also sacrificed a lot for me.  Diane followed me during my Air Force career and early days at Carolina Power & Light while raising two little kids, and Zoe followed me to Boone to pursue my dream of having my own business and living by a river in the mountains.  My deepest thanks to both of you.  LaVerne sacrificed her independence and home for me and openly shared her livelihood when my business wasn't doing well.  She helped me through a very difficult time and I'm eternally grateful.   All of these women sacrificed for me. 

Made for Others
Financial sacrifices for my children just came with the territory.  Doing without something so they could have something happened fairly often.  I guess these things fit the definition of sacrifice, but it just didn't seem that way at the time.  It was simply the thing to do. 

For my mom, I wasn't able to sacrifice enough.  No excuses.  That's just the way it was.  She needed more care than I was able to provide so she went to a nursing home for her final years.  She wanted me to care for her in my home and I wasn't able to do that.  It has been 25 years since she passed away and I'm still coming to terms with that.  One day it will be okay....one day. 

For my kids, Zoe and my father, Lee Campbell, I sacrificed pieces of my flesh at a sun dance ceremony in South Dakota one summer.  They were just little pieces, there was no pain and the scars still remind me of that day.  Those prayers were answered many times over and I'm grateful for those ways. 

For LaVerne, I gave all of my love, my time and myself to care for her in the last days of her life.  I would do it again without hesitation.  When my work finally returned, I had to let it go while I cared for her, then grieved for her. 

The Future
I don't spend much time thinking about the future as I continue to strive to live in the moment.  Still, there are choices to be made and sacrifices go right along with choices.  To choose one is to let go of the other. 

Now someone has come into my life who has captured my heart and gives me much love.  The romance is fun and sweet and deeply satisfying in so many ways.  It feels good to love and be loved again. Yet to pursue it will require sacrifice, for her and for me.  As James Garner said in "Murphy's Romance", I have one romance left in me and this may be it. 

The color of sacrifice is the color of love, whatever hue that might take.  Maybe red or pink or lavender or blue.....or a constantly moving, changing blend of shades and reflections.

It is in the giving up that so much more is gained.